New Horizons

A lot has changed in the four years since I've posted to this blog. I'm not going to waste time listing everything out, instead, I'm going to let you experience some of it for yourself.

I've been published for real and traveled to Ireland to participate in a reading of my story. It was amazing and surreal. In order to maintain a presence online for my writing, I've started another blog. You can keep tabs on it here.

I've also become close friends with some amazing women and we are currently working on a group blog that is all about friendship, community, and living an authentic life. If you want to see what we are up to, you can read all about it here.

I may post things here from time to time, maybe things I find in my old journals (I really need to go through those) but for the most part you can find me scribbling away at one of the sites above.

Thanks for stopping by.

Kate

I'm afraid I've lost it,

that beautiful spark that led me to

adventure and mystery.

I've been buried alive by expectation,

duty,

and routine.

I want to wear cast-off sweaters,

drink blindingly hot coffee at midnight,

walk in the rain alone with my red scarf to keep me company.

To write brilliantly everyday and to

never

be common.

Change

It seems like every few years I get this feeling...like my heart is going to push the walls of my chest wider and wider until it can slip through and escape me altogether. Usually the feeling begins on the first moonlit night that I happen to step out of doors and I smell that summer-is-coming scent on the wind. Suddenly, I am thrust back in time and I am standing on a different stoop with a whole different clutch of dreams in my hands; waiting breathlessly to see where they might take me. And now I am here, nowhere near where I thought I would be and I seem to be facing a pretty straight road. I miss the bends and forks that my road used to hold. I miss the sense of adventure that struck me at the top of every hill and the exhilaration I felt once I reached the bottom. Are these chances gone forever? Or are they just eluding me for now, desiring to be pursued as they once were? Oh chance, oh luck, I love you!

Then It All Falls Down

I try, really try. So hard that tears somehow find their way past my lashes and onto my skin. I can taste them when I breathe in, salty and sad. I can't seem to best this part of me. No matter how many skirmishes I win, the battle seems downhill and hopeless. What is it about me that keeps holding onto this piece, refusing to set it free, refusing to be whole without it? Every time I think I have bested it, it appears beside me in the mirror, mocking my confidant smile, bringing me back down.

I am sorry that I can't be more.

Spring in Upstate

It is something like spring outside. The sky has been grey and cloudy and the sidewalks are moist with puddles and worms scattered along them. Everything is green, bright and verdant, and, against the wet brown of the trunks, the leaves seem to shine like stars. I love New York in the spring. As soon as the sun begins to shine, people put away their sweaters and coats, donning on shorts and t-shirts though we all know it is still to chilly for such clothing. The slapping sound of flip-flops fills the air wherever you go and bathing suit shopping is the focus of the hour. And it's only May. But the summer, hot as it can be, never lasts long and the natives know that if they aren't prepared, it could pass them by. That is why we sunbathe in the middle of April, whenever there is sun, and swim in water that could conceivably give us hypothermia. You might think we're crazy but that's because you're an outsider. Only the natives understand New York....You don't like the weather here? Wait five minutes, it will change.

It Feels Like a Monday

I am so tired of trying to be strong. I am afraid and weak and at the end of myself and I don't know where to go from here. There are so many enormous decisions that must be made and I want to know that I am doing the right thing. When I am alone, I seem to know what I must do but then I think about what others might think and I freeze. I was sure that I had conquered this but it is rising up in me again and I am filled with bitterness. It is so easy for those around me. I don't understand why I struggle so through all of this life stuff. What is the lesson? Some days just feel like Mondays.

I Can't See The Future

I think I knew that it would end this way. The whole time, I wanted it to be different, to be something more. But deep inside my heart, I could feel the pulling away. I warned myself quietly not to get too involved. I placed a large wall in the way, because I knew - how can two people from two different worlds ever live a life of love together? There are no answers that will make this easier for either of us. We can pass and smile, but there will never again be that spark in our eyes when we see one another. And yet, I can hope for the future. For without that hope, what do I have left? Love seems to be a lesson for me. I hope I learn before the next time around.