New Horizons

A lot has changed in the four years since I've posted to this blog. I'm not going to waste time listing everything out, instead, I'm going to let you experience some of it for yourself.

I've been published for real and traveled to Ireland to participate in a reading of my story. It was amazing and surreal. In order to maintain a presence online for my writing, I've started another blog. You can keep tabs on it here.

I've also become close friends with some amazing women and we are currently working on a group blog that is all about friendship, community, and living an authentic life. If you want to see what we are up to, you can read all about it here.

I may post things here from time to time, maybe things I find in my old journals (I really need to go through those) but for the most part you can find me scribbling away at one of the sites above.

Thanks for stopping by.

Kate

I'm afraid I've lost it,

that beautiful spark that led me to

adventure and mystery.

I've been buried alive by expectation,

duty,

and routine.

I want to wear cast-off sweaters,

drink blindingly hot coffee at midnight,

walk in the rain alone with my red scarf to keep me company.

To write brilliantly everyday and to

never

be common.

Change

It seems like every few years I get this feeling...like my heart is going to push the walls of my chest wider and wider until it can slip through and escape me altogether. Usually the feeling begins on the first moonlit night that I happen to step out of doors and I smell that summer-is-coming scent on the wind. Suddenly, I am thrust back in time and I am standing on a different stoop with a whole different clutch of dreams in my hands; waiting breathlessly to see where they might take me. And now I am here, nowhere near where I thought I would be and I seem to be facing a pretty straight road. I miss the bends and forks that my road used to hold. I miss the sense of adventure that struck me at the top of every hill and the exhilaration I felt once I reached the bottom. Are these chances gone forever? Or are they just eluding me for now, desiring to be pursued as they once were? Oh chance, oh luck, I love you!

Then It All Falls Down

I try, really try. So hard that tears somehow find their way past my lashes and onto my skin. I can taste them when I breathe in, salty and sad. I can't seem to best this part of me. No matter how many skirmishes I win, the battle seems downhill and hopeless. What is it about me that keeps holding onto this piece, refusing to set it free, refusing to be whole without it? Every time I think I have bested it, it appears beside me in the mirror, mocking my confidant smile, bringing me back down.

I am sorry that I can't be more.

Spring in Upstate

It is something like spring outside. The sky has been grey and cloudy and the sidewalks are moist with puddles and worms scattered along them. Everything is green, bright and verdant, and, against the wet brown of the trunks, the leaves seem to shine like stars. I love New York in the spring. As soon as the sun begins to shine, people put away their sweaters and coats, donning on shorts and t-shirts though we all know it is still to chilly for such clothing. The slapping sound of flip-flops fills the air wherever you go and bathing suit shopping is the focus of the hour. And it's only May. But the summer, hot as it can be, never lasts long and the natives know that if they aren't prepared, it could pass them by. That is why we sunbathe in the middle of April, whenever there is sun, and swim in water that could conceivably give us hypothermia. You might think we're crazy but that's because you're an outsider. Only the natives understand New York....You don't like the weather here? Wait five minutes, it will change.

It Feels Like a Monday

I am so tired of trying to be strong. I am afraid and weak and at the end of myself and I don't know where to go from here. There are so many enormous decisions that must be made and I want to know that I am doing the right thing. When I am alone, I seem to know what I must do but then I think about what others might think and I freeze. I was sure that I had conquered this but it is rising up in me again and I am filled with bitterness. It is so easy for those around me. I don't understand why I struggle so through all of this life stuff. What is the lesson? Some days just feel like Mondays.

I Can't See The Future

I think I knew that it would end this way. The whole time, I wanted it to be different, to be something more. But deep inside my heart, I could feel the pulling away. I warned myself quietly not to get too involved. I placed a large wall in the way, because I knew - how can two people from two different worlds ever live a life of love together? There are no answers that will make this easier for either of us. We can pass and smile, but there will never again be that spark in our eyes when we see one another. And yet, I can hope for the future. For without that hope, what do I have left? Love seems to be a lesson for me. I hope I learn before the next time around.

Why Does It Work This Way?

I can't seem to get this right. No matter how hard I try, I fall for it every time and it gets harder and harder to pick myself up. I say I won't let myself hurt like that again, I say that my heart is fine, but I lose a piece every time this happens. And maybe the truth is, I set myself up to fall like this. I mean, everyone falls at one point or another; maybe I just make sure it is earlier on so there is less pain and I am in control of the decision to let go. Or maybe, I am afraid of what will happen the first time I make it without falling. I just don't know if I can fly anymore.

Getting Over You

The world it spins with not a thought about you,
and life breathes in, breathes out and lets you go.
Time moves on as though it never knew you,
and you are gone.

Untitled

Slowly, methodically, and with intent you began to write me out of your script. It started with small lines, short scenes where I was not allowed to make an appearance. My character was replaced with no-names or whomever was handiest. Holding back tears, I accepted my fate, ever hoping that if I just stayed near to the cameras, you would somehow let me back into the final scene. But it never happens the way that we want it to.

At the premier, I saw how pleased you were, standing, watching the credits roll. I sat on the last row, close to the door, in the dark. I never saw my name, but what hurt more, you never realized that it was not there. I left before you could see my shoulders shaking with sobs that would not be swallowed. And you never called to see where I was.

Still, you should know, I am your biggest fan. I hope you get an Oscar.

In Memory

Wilderness Friend,

This is goodbye. I will miss your brillance, the way you turned a phrase, the beauty of your mind upon the page. May every sunrise take your breath away and may your life be full of wonder.

The Way It Always Goes

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
She is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark
And tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I that day

All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
I think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

The Love Aquatic

Norman and I have loved each other since the day we met. He believes that he fell into my life entirely by chance, but I know it was a gift of fate. I had just moved into a new house in a new neighborhood and, although the apartment was everything I had hoped for, it was a lonely place in the summer. My new neighbors were an older couple who had three cats and no children; their names were Russell and Lillian. Russell liked to wear corduroy trousers and I could always hear him coming down the hall, swish-swish, swish-swish. The light in the hall shone off of his bald, shiny head as he held the door open for Lillian. Lillian in her voluminous, brightly-colored house dress and plastic shoes clumping into my foyer with a huge grin on her wrinkly face.

“Katharine, this is Norman.”

I felt my breath catch in my throat at the sight of him and my cheeks turned the same delicate shade as my pale sweater. I smiled, he stayed and here we are; happy and content. He is simple, so much less complicated than I. His big, gentle eyes melt my heart and we spend the evenings together, side by side; I read or write poetry and he contemplates the existence of a bigger reality. I have never felt so fulfilled.

Today though, Jackson brought to light certain behavior patterns in the life of my love that have me worried. Jackson lives in an apartment complex on the other side of town. I met him at work and we took turns making dinner once a week. Tonight was my night and we were chopping peppers, cucumbers, and tomatoes for the salad. I refuse to believe that Norman cares as little for me as Jackson tells me he does. I tried to convince both Jackson and myself that Norman and I had something special, something that brought us together and would keep us together.

“He gets excited when I come home and I know he is happy to see me,” I informed Jackson while he diced the tomatoes. “I can tell by the look on his face that he loves me.” I tossed a handful of lettuce into the wooden bowl on the counter defiantly.

Jackson looked at me out of the corner of his eye, “Katharine, goldfish have, like, a three-second memory. Not only is he not happy to see you, he doesn’t even remember who you are. Maybe you should get a dog.”

Copyright 2005 - Katharine A. Newell

Thanksgiving

I now have a reason to be thankful - she is here!

Questions

Why is it that when you look for something, it can't be found but the moment that you give it up, it appears before you, just within your reach? I don't understand and I am finally okay with that.

Musings2

I knew that we didn't see eye-to-eye on the important subjects. I guess that I was hoping that it wouldn't cause a rift in this friendship that has lasted years and meant so much to me. The thing of it is, I have finally realized that I am living in a dream-world. Tonight has shown me that, once again, I am alone. I knew I was expecting too much but I hoped that he would not be so stubbornly stupid, harmful to himself and others. All in the name of fun, saying over and over "I don't want to grow up." It was then that I realized that I have crossed over and he doesn't want to come. The adventure of growing up together has been taken from me. I have to go alone. I hope I don't get lost.

I miss you, Peter Pan.

ABC Jungle

It has been a long time since I have stumbled upon these abandoned and destitute members of the English family. Their once regal heads have been hung in shame as their meaningfulness has been replaced with working-class words. The feeling of power that once was felt by all as their sounds rolled smoothly over the tongue have been replaced with "like", "dude", and "cool". Let us return to them their dignity and allow them to again have a moment in the spotlight.

Prospicient - having foresight.
Chapfallen (or chopfallen) - dejected or dispirited.
Recusant - refusing to submit to authority; dissenting.
Insouciant - happily unconcerned; carefree; nonchalant.
Inveterate - firmly established; habitual.

If you forget them, it is not the end. Simply keep an open mind and make a comfy room for them to come and rest in for a while. They will reward you handsomely for that.

Theories on Life

Risk-taking, trust, and serendipity are key ingredients of joy. Without risk, nothing new ever happens. Without trust, fear creeps in. Without serendipity, there are no surprises.

-Rita Golden Gelman, author of Tales of a Female Nomad

Change

I looked in the mirror today and much to my surprise I realized that I have become exactly who I have always wanted to be.

Confidence

Many people lack it. It affects your decisions and can change the course of your life. It inspires those around you. It marks you as different, you stand out in a crowd. It boosts your self-esteem. Can it ever be over the top?

My family has given each other nicknames that inspire confidence. Today, my baby sister asked me to call her Joanna, Girl of Destiny.

What do you think?